RENT: The Cheap Edition
by Rossellini
Summary: This is a parody of RENT, written by an Angel fangirl who has too much time on her hands but just loves to exploit the cheap plot devices in other people's masterpieces. R/R! Reviewers get kisses from Angel!


**Hey, I'm back, and I'm writing for RENT! I might continue Destroy Annoying Warriors in the future, but I'll have to get my act together first. Reviewers get kisses from Angel Dumottt Schunard, the world's sexiest drag queen, Flamers get Angel drumming until they jump off the 23rd story of an apartment building XD Enjoy!**

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Mark: Oh Camera, I must express my undying love for you, and-

Roger: Dude, STFU about Maureen dumping your ass, we need more canon couples so fan artists on DeviantArt can draw their 'OMFG FAVE PAIRING EVAR' and get about 57 faves!

_Some alley somewhere_

Collins: Yo, I'm Jesse L. Martin *insert Law and Order style DUN DUN*

Thug: *pwns Collins* It's super effective!

_Back at loft_

Mark: Don't you think it's stupid that our landlord is asking us to pay rent we obviously can't afford and legitimately threatening to evict us?

Roger: Quick! Let's burn Mark's magnum opus for the sake of mood lighting! *they perform ape dance around flaming barrel*

_Alley again_

Collins: Why is it always my ass getting kicked?!

Angel: OMFG Jesse L. Martin! *DUN DUN*

Collins: Thank you for saving my life, O convenient character placement!

Angel: Come on, let's go to my conveniently placed AIDS group meeting, as I can totally tell that you are utterly infatuated with my hawtness.

Collins: Say what?

Angel: Foreshadowing. By the way, I'm conveniently named Angel, for rather obvious reasons. Now I'm going to inextricably drag you off somewhere and -treat- you. *DUN DUN*

_Loft_

Roger: I feel the urge to write the most epic song in the world before I drop dead, which will obviously happen at the end of this production for plot purposes.

Mimi: Hi, I'm a conveniently placed love interest. Please light my candle so I can go do drugs.

Roger: Have we met before?

Mimi: Are you going to tell me that you don't know who Rosario Dawson is?

Roger: Yup.

Mimi: Bitch Plea- OH FAWK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE CHARMING YOU!*hasty-singsong* Won't you light my candle?

Roger: Whatever, can I go angst over my dead girlfriend now?

Mimi: Oh wait- have you seen my stash around here?

Roger: What?

Mimi: Foreshadowing.

_Next Day_

Collins: Hey everyone, do you mind if I show you this guy I found on the street last night?

*Enter Angel, in OMFGBOOTIFUL drag*

Mark: Dammit Collins couldn't you have gotten someone with big boobs for me to stare at?!

Roger: Collins, there is no way the furry thing is female.

Angel: No shit, Sherlock! Here's a thousand dollars for no reason at all!

Mark: *glomps money* Why do minor characters always have all the cash!?

Angel: Oh, some rich lady paid me off to get this akita to commit suicide.

Everyone from Ginga: Crap.

Angel: Now I will entertain everyone by performing gymnastics in 9-inch heels.

Mark (to Roger): Don't tell Collins, but Angel is making me very happy right now.

_Maureen's Sound Check_

Joanne: I should totally sue Maureen for this.

Mark: Join the club. We have jackets.

Joanne: This calls for-

Mark: My uberawesome technology skills?

Joanne: I was going to say interpretive dance, but that's good enough.

Mark: Go figure my ex is with her…

_Later_

Mimi: Hey Roger! I'm going to seduce you with my dying cow imitation!

Roger: Sorry, but I need some character development, so GTFO.

Life Support Group: Let's add drama to the situation by singing the show's mantra in the background, while inadvertently foreshadowing!

Mimi: Screw this, we'll be together at the obligatory happy ending anyhow.

Roger: Now that she's gone, I can angst over my dead girlfriend for another 5 hours.

_Meanwhile, with Mark, Collins, and Angel…_

Mark: …And here's where Maureen and I-OMFG A HOMELESS LADY ABOUT O GET PWNED BY POLICEMEN!! EVOCATIVE PHOTOGRAPHY TIME!!

Homeless lady: I ain't your documentary subject, Spielberg! *pwns Mark*

Angel: Gee, someone had decaf this morning.

Collins: Hey, let's break into song about Santa Fe while on a subway!

Mark: Your point is…

Angel and Collins (to tune of song): Fooooooooooooreshaaaaadowing!

Mark: Um, ok, I'm gonna go have an affair with Maureen now.

Angel: Hey, since there's only one canon couple so far, why don't we become an item, even though we only met 24 hours ago!

*They run down the street singing possibly one of the catchiest songs ever known to man, and kiss at the end*

Law and Order fans: DAMMIT!!!!

_Maureen's protest_

Wicked Fangirls: OMGIDINAMENZELNOWAI!!!!

Maureen: So I'm like, standing up here, criticizing Benny with some metaphorical crap involving this cow and diet coke, even though we're like, married in actuality, and like-

Cops: Screw it, we need an action sequence in this production! *they start pwning random people*

Mark: Cha-ching! *whips out camera*

_Life Café_

Mark: Benny, WTF are you doing here!? I thought this was the haven of stereotypical starving bohos!

Benny: We're just going to sit here and get up your ass about Maureen's protest because we're rich and have nothing better to do.

Mark: Never fear, I have a plan! We'll just all start dancing around on the tables toasting to weird shit until they freak out and leave!

Roger: To random poets!

Mimi: To booze!

Angel: To biologically impossible sexual orientations!

Collins: To anarchy!

Maureen: To random figurative crap!

*Joanne and Maureen start grinding, while Collins and Angel have a makeout session on the table*

Mimi: WTF Roger why aren't we canon like all the other shippings!?

Roger: Because I'm an angsty, overdeveloped emo!

*AZT Beepers go off*  
Roger: OMFG you have AIDS?!

Mimi: Gee, paying attention to the foreshadowing might have been helpful here!

Roger: I'm going to sing possibly the worst song in this whole musical so we can become canon and go have a makeout like everyone else!

Mimi: Yay!

*INTERMISHUN*

Audience: *watches Elfen Lied on iPods*

Cast: *sings most overused song of all time until sane people's ears bleed*

Mark: Dammit! Benny padlocked our building and we have no New Year's Booze!

Angel: Don't worry, we came as James Bond characters for this occasion, so we have BLOWTORCHES!!!

*they proceed to blast the door off, while others use ninjutsu to go in via fire escape*

Benny: Since I am supposed to be EBILZ, I somehow predicted this, and showed up here to persuade you to portray me as a good person.

Mark: Sorry, but Sarah Silverman called and I can't miss this chance for money, being the ass that I am!

Benny: Fine, then I will play the IMPLIED MIMIxBENNY CANON CARD!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Mimi: Crap! This calls for 'SNEAK OFF TO BUY MORE DRUGS' action!

_Another time_

Joanne: Maureen! Why can't you be the Type-A girlfriend in all the fanfics I read in my spare time!?

Maureen: Because there needs to be character development! And for a plot twist, I'm going to break up with you again!

Roger: Mimi, you were quite obviously buying drugs, but we have to darken the plot for foreshadowing purposes, so I'm going to assume you were cheating on me with Benny!

Mimi: Nooooooooooo!!!! Now we all know the inevitable is coming!

_OH GOD HERE IT COMES YOU GUYS_

Angel: Collins, I'm inevitably dying, but at least this is the student version where I don't scream some random crap and vanish from the production, and actually die in a sad fashion.

Collins: But we're everyone's favorite shipping, why does it have to end?!

Angel: I have to inspire all the 16-year-old RENTheads on fanfiction to write fics where  
a. You move on and start dating this vampire OC they 'made up' after reading Twilight  
b. It's an AU where I am miraculously cured of AIDS, change gender indefinitely several times per chapter, somehow speak Spanish, and have biologically impossible children

Collins: But you know that no one actually reads those since they all migrated to DeviantArt because of Flame Rising!

Angel: I'm also dying for convenient character placement purposes.

Collins: Huh?

Angel: Foreshadowing. *dies*

_So here there's a funeral that I don't feel like making fun of because that would be mean, and I'm also really depressed and stuff, especially after reading some of the fanfics I searched out to make examples of._

Mark: Since I finally have a solo, and everyone is all angsty after Angel died, I'm going off with Sarah Silverman to make money!

Roger: Since you're an incompetent asswad, I'm going to Santa Fe as suggested in foreshadowing I wasn't around to witness, so I can go angst over Mimi.

Maureen: Joanne, let's make up just so we can make the plot Mark-centric!

Mimi: Bye Roger, I'm going to be with Benny for no good reason, other that I am a basket-case because of all the drugs I was doing earlier.

_Some time later_

Roger: Angst, angst, angst…

Mark: Hey, I remember when Angel did that dance in the Santa dress that turned me on, it reminds me of…

Mark and Roger: OMFG SIMULTANEOUS EPIPHANY!!

RENTheads on fanfiction: RogerxMark subtext! Yay! *start typing fics*

Collins: I got this ATM to give me cash whenever I put Angel's name in it, isn't that cheesy?

Mark: Cool! Can you do that for Camera?

Maureen: HEY!! WE FOUND MIMI JUST IN TIME FOR THE OBLIGATORY HAPPY ENDING!!

Mimi: Hashirayyyyyyyyyyy Weeeeeedohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Collins: Singing the OPs of really crappy anime is the first sign of impending death! Call 911!

Mark: Angel did that too?

Collins: Yeah, but she went out with Lucky Star.

*911 conveniently puts Collins on hold*

Roger: Since this is the obligatory happy ending, I now obviously have the epic song that I am rather conveniently going to play right now, when you're too delirious to find any value in it!

Mimi: That was nice, but to add suspense, I have to die in dramatic Disney fashion *dies*

Roger: Nooooooooooooo!!! Dammit who wrote this!?

RENTheads: OMFG JONATHAN LARSON HE IS GOD!!!

Mimi: I have dramatically revived for the obligatory happy ending, due to Angel not letting me into heaven because of all the drugs I tried to sneak in.

Collins: Hooray for convenient character placement!

Mark: Oh yeah, now we can all watch whatever it was I caught on that crappy camera!

*Everyone watches the movie, which makes everyone cry because Angel is shown every 5 seconds, and it's so happy and everyone lived happily ever after*

*That is, until I wrote this*

NOTE: I own nothing, RENT is copyright to Jonathan Larson.


End file.
